She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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