My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
