Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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