My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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