there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
