hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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