I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She needs sedatives and a leash
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
