Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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