I want to have your abortion
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
