remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.