i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
