i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!