I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
