Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
