I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
