totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
