I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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