My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
