Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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