took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
