if i can run in heels then i can drive
Fuck appropriateness.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
