when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
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i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
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Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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