I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
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