I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Boobs speak an international language.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
