JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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