pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
