Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
