Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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