If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize