We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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