i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
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