Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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