Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
