I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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