Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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