Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The power of my boobs compel you
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
