this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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