He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
