I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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