i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
