my sisters under your porch take her home
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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