i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
