drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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