i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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