I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
