You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
