sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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