i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
