Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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