Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Randomize
