im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
