My nipple is on Facebook.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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