You're earring is so big in my mouth
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
