I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
