I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
