that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
