There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
