In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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