Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
